What do The Tibetan Book of the Dead and a relationship break-up have in common?

The Tibetan Book of the dead or the Bardo Thodol is a Buddhist text that is read to the dead as a means of instruction. It explains to the departed how to navigate the challenges of the period between death and rebirth. This period is called a bardo.

Bardo actually means intermediate state and can be used in a more general way. Meditation is a bardo, dreaming is a bardo. Even the pause between inhaling and exhaling can be regarded as a bardo.
It is a moment where a state of being stops momentarily. It is frequently an opportunity for reflection before moving on or resuming.

The period of solitude after a relationship ends is a bardo, and intentionally or otherwise, the Bardo Thodol has more than a little relevance.

The heavily abridged version of the Bardo Thodol goes like this.

After you die you meet five Buddhas. Conveniently each is a different colour. However, there is a catch… they’re beautiful and powerful to the point of terrifying.
At the same time you will see a smoky realm, the same colour as the Buddha, but duller. In each instance you will feel more drawn to the smoky realm than the Buddha. It will feel safer, easier to go towards than face the awesomeness of the Buddha.

Spoiler alert… don’t go to the smoky realm, doing so sends you back to the wheel of birth and death. Got it? Yeah well don’t be so self-assured. The fact that you’re here, incarnated reading this means you clearly cocked it up last time.

When a relationship ends you don’t get pestered by scary Buddhas, you get pestered by doubts.
How you handle these doubts will affect the state of being that follows the break-up. You don’t have to be a Buddhist to see that a fearful response is going to send you back into a similar relationship, to stumble over the same ground again. Most commonly fear is going to manifest as questions like “will I find someone?”, or “am I lovable?” This in turn makes you inclined to accept the first passable option that comes along, or go back to where you were on the same terms.

Conversely a courageous response will mean a different path; perhaps looking further afield, outside your comfort zone. If you can’t find the relationship you want within familiar experience maybe it’s time to try something new, meet a new type of person.

The ultimate twist in the Book of the Dead is this…
The Buddhas aren’t real, they are your own creations.
They are you.
They are you in all your powerful, beautiful, terrifying glory.
When you reject the Buddhas for the safer smokey path you reject the highest version of yourself for a lesser option.
As Stephen Chbosky wrote, “we accept the love we think we deserve”.

So, if you are between relationships consider;  what would your next relationship look like if you spent your time in the bardo between relationships skilfully? If you dismissed fearful thoughts and accepted the best version of you?